god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize