Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
