Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
