Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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