I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
