I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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