I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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