Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
