WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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