So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
