She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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