Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize
