We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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