you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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