The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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