Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
