Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
