my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i wish my penis had a tongue
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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