I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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