Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
