I seem to have left my pride at pride
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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