I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
