My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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