dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
