Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
