The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
