Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
