Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
