so that wasnt chicken after all
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Randomize
