my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
