I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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