I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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