Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
