woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
