Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
