Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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