I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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