bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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