Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Randomize
