remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i think i have herpe
just one?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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