I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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