So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
