I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
