I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Randomize
