Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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