Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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