My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
