sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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