i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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