We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
