when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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