I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
